Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Being Brave and Funny: #30shorts

 “I’m not funny. What I am is brave.” Lucille Ball said that.

My Mom was a brave person and naturally funny.  Early in their marriage, my father worked an overnight shift at the front desk of a hotel.  Mom always packed him a lunch bag that, for a while at least, was one of his favorites, sardines packed in mustard sauce, a couple slices of bread and a snack.
After what seemed to him a long stretch of the same lunch every day, probably only about a week, Dad said to Mom, “I really appreciate the lunches you make for me, but maybe you could change it up once in a while.”


“What would you like different?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Use your imagination.” 
he replied.
The next night as he went off to work Mom handed to him the packed lunch, kissed him goodbye and said, “enjoy your lunch.”

When it was time to have his lunch, Dad opened the bag and inside was the usual two slices of bread wrapped in wax paper, with a can of sardines in mustard sauce, without the key to open the can. She removed it from the bottom of the tin. Attached to the wax paper wrapped bread was a note.


 “Here is your lunch. I used my imagination to make it. Use your imagination to eat it.”


Many long marriages are fortified with humor and courage. Dad didn’t think so, but that was brave and very funny.   
However, after that episode he hardly ever challenged Mom to use her imagination. Had he used his imagination that night he would have found the key she removed from the can was tucked inside the bread slices.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Marion's Bagel Bakery and Nathan

There is nothing so mouth watering as the smell of bread baking and in this case, bagels.

One of my first paying jobs was at Marion’s Bagel Bakery in the Gallery mall in Center City owned by Nathan Greenspan originally from Brooklyn, New York.
  Bagels are boiled before they go in the oven to bake. It’s the step that sets the crust and keeps the bagel dense. As the first batches of bagels were baked early everyday, the aroma wafted throughout the first floor of the mall drawing in the first morning rush of customers on their way to work.

 Nathan arrived at the bakery every morning at 5 a.m. to roll out from the walk-in, a trolley of shelves loaded with raw bagels that were mixed and rolled the day before and now ready to proof . He would fill the kettle and fired it up with the oven.

Nathan seemed to be the figure and manner of a grisly man. It was all on the surface and for show, because like a bagel, Nathan was crusty on the outside, but soft on the side. He had soft heart underneath his gravelly voice and husky build.

Nathan was a New Yorker, born and raised. He transplanted his business and family, opening two shops, one in a New Jersey mall and the other in the Philadelphia mall. The move from New York  was so he and his wife Marion, would be closer to his daughter while she went to Medical School at Temple, “The univoisity, not the shul,” he loved to say with a chuckle.

Nathan’s bagels were uniformly awesome, mixed from scratch in a huge industrial kettle sized mixer, with only high gluten flour and solid cake yeast. It amazed me that nothing was written down as to measurements of what ingredient or how much and he matched the previous batch of whatever kind he was making at the time, always consistent and always tasty. Cinnamon raisin, Pumpernickel, Plain, Sesame, Poppy, it didn’t matter, everyday they were consistent in taste and size. Sometimes he would leave a batch in the oven a little longer just to make a crustier batch, one of my favorites. I personally liked the more well-done bagel.
About once a month, Nathan would make a dozen Bialys, just one dozen, because he said nobody would know what they were. Nathan’s bialys were the same dough as his bagels,  but not boiled and flattened with a center of chopped onions and poppy seeds. They were sort of like an onion roll but different, not as sweet, and awesome with tuna fish or egg salad, of which were the most popular lunch sandwiches we served. At lunch time, like a cafeteria line outside the shop counter, there was never less than a dozen or more customers waiting to place their order.

Marion’s Bagel shop was a ‘strictly dairy’ establishment, no meat was served or ever allowed on the counters, if you brought any meat into the shop, Nathan would usher you back behind the mixer and tsk at you, “no meat, no meat, strictly dairy, strictly dairy.” And he would slap his forehead and fake fear and frustration, “Oy, you shiksa, WHAT am I going to do with you goys. THIS is why I could never be Kosher!”

The truth was that Nathan could never be Kosher because he didn’t want to follow the rules of being Kosher, but knew he would draw a certain type of customer that would appreciate a good bagel, made by a Brooklyn Jew with a mezuzah strategically placed just over the food case that held the sandwich spreads and sandwich makings. One day he saw me run may hand on the mezuzah just before I tied my apron. He nodded his headed and said, “you know what that is?...you know what you just did there?”

 I screwed my face and responded “I know what a mezuzah is.” He responded, “Oh yeah? What is a mezuzah, miss gentile smarty-pants, I bet you can’t even spell it.”

I said ,” If I spell it will you give me a raise?”

“Get to work.” He responded.  I muttered back, “Yeah I thought so, praying for the blessing and good luck of a raise, pfft.” With that, Nathan laughed good and hard and did give me a raise, a nickel.

After a year or so, I left my position at Marion’s bagels to stay home with my kids for the summer. Nathan was not happy. When I told him I couldn’t afford a babysitter while the kids were no longer in school, he just shook his head and simply said, “You come back in September, I'll give a quarter and hour raise if you come back." But I didn’t. He sold the shop and took his mezuzah.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

#3 of 30 Shorts: Minor Fender Benders and Responsibility


The rite of passage of attaining a driver’s license is almost a necessity for the suburban young adult, especially in New Jersey. Accessible public transportation in this state is just not what I became used to while growing up in Philadelphia.

Granddaughter Tayler is one of those young adults who recently became a licensed driver. She is a good driver, but a little too overconfident for someone who has been driving for only 6 months.

Tayler was offered the use of my car if she would take my younger granddaughters, Meghan and Isabella to a performance of the Nutcracker ballet, which I wasn’t able to attend. All of my girls like live productions, especially the little ones who are discovering the oohs and ahs that can be garnered with a few pirouettes done for their daddies. I had no trust issues allowing Tayler the use of my car, she is a good driver. But as I was about to embark on my own excursion I received a tearful and almost hysterical phone call from Tayler.
“Hello,” I said
“Grammy, I blew out a tire,” she wailed, “and I don’t know how to change a flat.”
“Is everyone alright?” I asked. “Yes, but I don’t know how to change a flat!”

My helpless frustration went further when I suggested we call AAA, and then she began to cry with more gusto, “That’s why Daddy just yelled at me when I called him, I don’t KNOW where I am!”
In these days of google maps, she also wasn’t geared to pay attention to street signs or landmarks. Oh boy.

A good Samaritan, soon stopped while she was still crying on the phone to me, and I hear him say, “Is everyone alright?.” To which she replied yes, but didn’t know how to change a tire. He replied, “I can do that for you. Would like me to change the tire for you?” and before she could answer for herself, her little charges, Isabella and Meghan chimed in, “YES, PLEASE, just fix it! We have a show to get to!”
This kind gentleman did indeed change the tire, detailing every step involved in the process and even returned the flat and the contents of the trunk just as he found it, everything, including the trunkful of unwrapped Christmas presents.

“I’ll replace your tire.” she texted to me and on her way she went to the Ballet.
The next day, I got the tire replaced, fortunately I had road hazard insurance, and took her with me to Firestone introducing her as the culprit of the blown out tire. “Wow, you did a number on that,” the tech said to her. She was nervously holding her cash for the bill in a tight fist.

“That’ll be $152.27.”
Her eyes popped and she gasped, “ I don’t have that much money!”
“Just kidding,” he deadpanned. And with that he and I laughed and giggled. Tayler did not think it was funny.
“I did,” he said, “every other parent would think it’s funny, too. That’ll be $39.”
The take away on this event is that Tayler had a minor traffic incident that shook her confidence just a little and will be a little more mindful of her driving and surroundings. She posted her $39 repair bill in the refrigerator door as a badge of her first ‘fender bender’.