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| Black Hole image from EHT |
I can’t say that 2021 was a year to forget because there are a lot of things I can’t remember. I don’t remember because I had a huge non-malignant brain tumor that was apparently affecting my personality, my walking gait, my short-term memory, instant recall and most notably I was forgetting my words while speaking. Friends and family are just recently telling me of how they felt I was “off”. Something wasn’t quite right, but they never relayed those feelings to me.
There were apparently several private conversations about me but nobody said anything to me, except my husband Mike who would repeatedly look for some material reason for this ‘slip’ in my usual daily spunky personality. His was the opinion that just one of my many pain medications was the primary cause, either that or early onset Alzheimer’s. I was and still am treating for Psoriatic Arthritis. I have come to realize and reluctantly accept that “Mister Arthur R Itis” and I have an arranged lifelong marriage. There’s nothing to do except to manage the marriage and try to find what works in finding some comfort and ease in daily tasks and mobility. I have resumed my yoga, some meditation and embraced alternative medicine and analgesics and with the start of Medicare pray that my current biologic treatment gets pre-authorized.
Navigating Medicare
is mess. I believe it’s by design to make it difficult.
The Pain management
program I was prescribed is no longer the preferred supposed panacea for me.
I must be able to function.
The Black Holes are just that, blank spots in my memory and recall, some huge, some brief snippets of time, but there is much I feel I’ve lost and have no hint at what it is that I’ve lost. Maybe that is best but it is no less disorienting and frustrating.
Role reversal was
something that automatically happened. My husband took the reins I usually
held. I often say, He makes things happen, but I make them better. This time he
did both. I found after the surgery I was just fine with this. Recuperating
from brain surgery was and is major thing, a BIG FFFing DEAL.
Patients with brain tumors
usually have to become reliant in a caregiver, because they’re not always able
to do as much as they want to or were previously able to do, due to the side
effects from the tumor location.
The incision was long
around the top of my head, held together with staples. I am a relatively fast healer and was staple free
in one short week. I had the mistaken assumption that this was going to be a recovery
of a few weeks, not months if not the better part of a year.
It’s a disappointment I
still struggle with, but I still move on.
I welcomed 2022 at a New Year's eve party in the middle of the eastern Caribbean, on a cruise ship appropriately enough called the Reflection. It was a fun celebration, as I remember it.
Here’s hoping that I have fewer black holes in 2022.
Happy 2022!
